Things We Wish We'd Never Eaten: #2.2: Pack Lunch

You know what? This was one of our best meals to date, because god damn did we earn it. At Le Conte Lodge we were able to purchase pack lunches for $10 a pop, which is a pretty great amenity given that all supplies have to be carted up the mountain on llamas. We collapsed on their deck and devoured every last bit.

$10 well spent

Full of hearty, high-calorie hiking food, the pack contained a bagel and cream cheese, oreos, trail mix, fruit leather, a Gatorade sachet and beef summer sausage. Yes, you read that right, beef summer sausage. This tasty little treat was basically a cured concoction that may once have resembled meat and did not require refrigeration until opened. And yes, we were that hungry.

Hiking in Great Smoky Mountains National Park: The Conquest of Le Conte

It's quite confronting to get off a plane from the Midwest and suddenly find yourself in the South. It's even more confronting to arrive at your bed and breakfast accommodation in rural Tennessee to discover that the owner and his wife spent the 1980s living and lecturing in Perth. It's a really small world. This is the other side of the coin - it seems as though everyone we meet falls into one of two categories. Either they've never met an Australian, or they've visited or lived in Perth. On our third day of the trip we were at RadioShack buying a SIM card for our phone, and we answered the clerk's ubiquitous question with "Perth, Western Australia". Straight away, the guy behind us pipes up "oh yeah, Fremantle, Little Creatures." Turns out he spent some time working at a brick factory in Malaga.

The Smokies are our second National Park of the trip, and these mountains are very different to Glacier. For a start it's about 30 degrees and 80% humidity here. Perfect hiking weather. That was sarcasm, yeah? We threw ourselves straight back into left-foot-right-foot with perhaps a little more gusto than was wise.

After a sickly-sweet southern breakfast of orange marmalade french toast (carb-loading), we set off to summit Mount Le Conte via the Alum Cave Trail. It's an 18 kilometer round trip that gains nearly a kilometer in elevation, and it has a difficulty rating of 'strenuous'. As proof of this, I have a photo of me in which I'm the same colour as my shirt. And I was only halfway up. Needless to say, that photo won't be getting published.

Coral...

Sadly the trail wasn't as serene as we would have liked, as there were a few youth groups marching up carrying people on stretchers, presumably as a team building exercise. Although their relentless chanting and boundless enthusiasm was aggravating, I'll admit it was a pretty mammoth effort. I could barely carry myself up to the top. It took us two hours and forty-five minutes to reach the 2010 meter summit, against a guide time of three to four hours. We were stoked with that result. Our legs were not. But, as expected, the views were in line with the sense of achievement and in hindsight it was so worth it, although there were points along the way where I wondered.

At the top of the mountain is Le Conte Lodge, which was established in 1925. You can stay in one of the cabins up there, but you need to make reservations well in advance. We made do with a couple of rocking chairs on the deck and a pack lunch. It was blissful. Significantly colder at such altitude, it was also easy to imagine how quickly sweat-drenched hikers can succumb to hypothermia.

Top of the World at Le Conte Lodge

The descent took less than two hours but wasn't actually much easier than going up. Lots of hikers have walking poles, of which I'm often quite envious, but we're usually 20-30 years younger than those hikers, so a cup of toughen-up is what Danny suggested for me instead.

I know we seem to be spending a lot of time out in the woods, and we are, but I want to reassure you that we're never too far from 'civilisation'. Just in case you don't believe me, here's proof in the form of a drive-through discount cigarettes and beer store.

Our Hire Car

 Coolest thing we've seen so far?

The Mall of America

Just imagine a deep booming voice welcoming you to MALL OF AMERICA, the real reason we came to Minnesota. We're not alone in our lunacy; the mall receives 40 million visitors each year (more than twice the number of visitors to downtown Minneapolis and St Paul), making it the most visited shopping center in the world. Why, you ask? Well, for a start, it has a gross area of 96.4 acres. Nearly half of that is retail space for the 530 stores that give the Mall of America the distinction of having more vendors than any other shopping mall in the United States. Then there's the reason it all exists in the first place, the fact that there is no sales tax on clothing or shoes in Minnesota.

Mall of America

We did pretty well in that regard. Stuff is so cheap over here to begin with, remove the tax and it almost feels as though you're stealing. For example, Daniel's choice sneakers cost between $180 and $220 back home. He picked up a pair here for $80. As you'll note below, they're lovely and garish. It's very American to strut around in shorts and pristine bright white sneakers, so throw in the trucker cap he picked up in Montana and he fits right in.

Haul

Speaking of fitting right in, we're starting to find ourselves unconsciously mimicking American accents. Especially here, where people speak with such a Germanic drawl. Large numbers of Scandinavian and German immigrants moved to these northern states in the late nineteenth century, resulting in a dialect known as North-Central American English, or the Minnesota Accent. Certain vowels sound so familiar that we mirror them in conversation without intending to. That said, still nobody can understand a thing we say. We usually have to repeat ourselves - the first time around they're more interested in the accent than the content. Apparently "nobody comes to Minnesota", so we're quite the novelty. For two very shy people, we actually enjoy this immensely. We've found that being off the beaten path is much more conducive to conversation and cultural exchange than visiting, say, New York City or Los Angeles.

Now, back to business. Did I mention that the largest indoor amusement park in the United States is located smack bang in the middle of the Mall of America? Danny was giddy like a kid in a candy store. Inside an amusement park. Inside a shopping mall.

Dannytello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Ride)

Lego Transformer and Amusement Park

We did, of course, ride a couple of the roller coasters. It was here we met the first person to be unimpressed by our Australian origin. The kid next to us in line very kindly asked if we wanted to share a row of seats, even though Danny warned this kid that he screams like a girl. "Are you Packers fans?" he asked, referring to Wisconsin's Green Bay Packers (NFL). When we responded that no, we weren't from around here, he narrowed his eyes and glared at us with a level of suspicion and contempt unbecoming of a ten-year-old. He didn't say anything but "Go Packers" for the rest of the ride, and departed without so much as a goodbye.

Things We Wish We'd Never Eaten #2.1: Fro Yo

Apologies - I didn't quite know how to number this post. I wanted to keep the old series alive but at the same time be clear that this is v2.0. It looks messy, but so be it.

Frozen yoghurt. We know it as fruity stuff that comes in tubs in lieu of ice-cream. It's posited as a healthier option, but you deliberately avoid looking at the nutrition label anyway. In America, frozen yoghurt is an altogether different institution.

A Coma in a Cup

Step 1: Grab your overly large cup and choose your fro yo base. If you're feeling virtuous, your choices include 'tart', which I presume is natural yoghurt. But, let's be honest, nobody outside of Los Angeles is choosing that, and it was tucked away in the farthest corner. Other options included vanilla, chocolate and strawberry cheesecake. They're located in pairs, and a middle lever will combine them for you (because to have to pull two separate levers would expend far too many calories).

There was, and I'm not making this up, a lever labelled 'cake batter'. Even Danny and I have boundaries, so we didn't confirm this concoction, but I wouldn't be surprised. It was paired with cookies and cream. We stuck with vanilla and chocolate.

Step 2: Toppings. This is the fun part. Yeh, there's a fruit section. Presumably that's for the people who get 'tart' yoghurt, but I was quite impressed to see fresh raspberries. Gummi bears, sprinkles, skittles, m&ms, choc chips, oreo, cookie dough and reese's pieces, now THAT'S where it's at.

Step 3: Weigh and pay. It's almost a double entendre.

What Ya'll Doin' in Minnesota?

This seems to be the standard reply when people in Minneapolis find out we're from Australia. I don't think many Aussies make their way to this part of the world.

The Amtrak train we took from Seattle is a route called the Empire Builder, and as it continues east from Whitefish it skirts the southern border of Glacier NP. A day and a half later it terminates in Chicago. We got back on the train in Whitefish but, having already been to Chicago, decided to disembark in the Twin Cities instead.

Something we love about long, scenic Amtrak routes is the running commentary provided by on-board National Park Rangers. As we left Seattle and wound alongside waterways, through forests and over mountains, we'd been regaled with information about the history, geology and ecology of the area. However, for some reason, the commentary in Montana was only provided within the Lounge Car, and our chances of getting a seat were nil. Bizarre, given that they sell the park as the highlight of the route.

Avoiding Chicago wasn't the only reason we stopped in Minneapolis; it's home to the Mall of America (more on that later) as well as Target Field, which has been ranked by ESPN as the number one baseball stadium experience in North America. Finals were well underway last time we were in the states, so we'd not seen a MLB game.

Target Field

We rectified that on our first night here, when the Minnesota Twins lost dismally to the Toronto Blue Jays. Turns out the team isn't as good as their stadium.

Strike

Cheese?

That said, we don't go to sports games for the sports. We don't even go for the cheese fries served in a miniature helmet. At least I don't - I won't speak for Danny. The atmosphere and the people are the real draw cards. We got lucky here and ended up sat next to a hunting taxidermist from Wisconsin and a local firefighter-slash-lumber salesman. Neither had met an Australian before, and couldn't quite believe what they were seeing or hearing. Our firefighter friend was so enamoured with us he invited us to live in his basement. They bombarded us with questions throughout the game, bought us beers, and we literally had them and their friends chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi by the end of the second innings.

The icing on the cake (or the cheese on the fries) was making a brief appearance on the big screen during dance cam. In the interests of full disclosure, we may have been riding the coattails of a kid doing a pretty sick sprinkler two rows in front.  

GNP Day 3: Clouds and Avalanches

Our third and final day in Glacier National Park. I'll keep this short - I really just want to share a few photos. After practically passing out the previous evening, getting out of bed was hard work but we actually pulled up pretty well this morning. The leg pain was only noticeable when walking downhill. A hearty hiking breakfast and we were good to go.

We drove to another part of the park known as Two Medicine, and encountered another black bear on the way. This time we had the telephoto handy, but we had to take pictures through the windscreen.

He was just hanging out by the roadside, getting his fill of huckleberries. Black bears are actually very timid and naturally afraid of humans. Nonetheless, there are strict rules about interacting with them, and hefty fines are enforced for doing the wrong thing. They become a sure danger only once they become used to humans and especially if they begin to associate hikers or campsites with food. The expression is that "a fed bear is a dead bear", and it's true - the rangers will sometimes have to kill bears that start stalking people for their food or hang around where they shouldn't.

Two Medicine was pretty, but we didn't stay for long as there was a storm rolling in.

Instead we drove back to St Mary for lunch. The food is beginning to gross us out. Particularly out in the wilds of Montana, if you're not in the middle of a city it's so hard to find anything that isn't deep fried or a burger. The serving sizes are monstrous. We need to start ordering from the children's menu.

Another drive across the Going to the Sun Road was in order, as we had to get back to Whitefish to hop back on the train the next morning. Some low cloud in the area made for some awesome views. At one point we were at an observation deck, looking at the view in the photo below. Less than four minutes later the cloud had surrounded us and visibility was only a few meters.

We finished off our time in the park with one last small hike. This one wove through forest at a much lower elevation, so it was humid enough to be unpleasant. After a couple of miles, however, we were rewarded with a view of the gorgeous Avalanche Lake. It was much more impressive than expected, which made up for the fact our shirts felt as though we'd fallen in.

GNP Day 2: Grizzlies and Glaciers

We stayed within the bounds of the park at Rising Sun Motor Inn, and it was so lovely rising at dawn as the sun began to wake the surrounding mountains. Cool, still and quiet; the only noise the crunch of our hiking boots on the road as we trudged to breakfast. 

Early Morning Photography at St Mary's Lake

Glacier National Park is home to an estimated 300 grizzly bears (ursus arctos horribilis), and I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of the attraction. Nonetheless, I was understandably nervous about hiking in grizzy country. The risk of seeing a grizzly, let alone being harmed by one, is actually very small, particularly if you take the appropriate precautions. Hiking in a group, staying on trail and making lots of noise, especially when hiking into a headwind, near running water or rounding a blind corner, are key. As much as you might like to spot a grizzly, you certainly don't want to surprise a mama bear and her cubs. If all else fails, and you find yourself face to face with 300 kilograms of pure muscle, then you'll want to resort to bear spray.

Bear Spray

I had one of these babies holstered to my hip the whole time we were hiking. It's basically capsicum spray on steroids and has stopped a number of attacks in the past. Most of the time, an initial bear charge will be a bluff, designed to make you pee yourself. You have to stand your ground and not run away - if you do, they'll chase. Then you back away slowly.

In the case of a true charge, the bear spray has a range of 9 meters. Grizzly bears can run at over 60 kilometers per hour (Usain Bolt tops out at 43). Pop quiz: if the grizzly bear is charging you at 60km per hour, and you must discharge your spray when the bear is within 9 meters of you, how long between the bear being in range and your head being in its mouth? 0.54 seconds. Not much of a window. Scary.

We hiked the Grinnell Glacier Trail, which is just over 12 kilometers in length and gains 560 meters in elevation. There are 25 glaciers left in the park, and it is predicted that all will be gone by 2020.

Grinnell Lake

Contemplation

Grinnell Glacier

Downhill to Grinnell Lake

If you look at the photo above, we hiked to the glacier from the the middle lake. Plenty of switchbacks, lots of rocks and no grizzly bears. We did, however, see a moose!

Moose

At this point, our new telephoto lens had already paid for itself. The better part of a full day later, we made it back to the trailhead at Many Glacier Hotel exhausted and overheated. Have I mentioned how freaking hot it is over here? Northern Montana, high elevations, glaciers - we didn't expect it to be hitting 30 degrees.

We threw our packs in the boot of the car and started to drive back to our inn. Suddenly this gorgeous creature decided to pop out and say hello. The telephoto lens was, of course, in Danny's pack in the boot of the car. I jumped out, ran round and got it. Survived. Even though it's brown, this is actually a black bear - you can tell from its straight face profile, prominent ears and lack of a shoulder hump. Quite small, I suspect it was a female or a juvenile.

A Brown Black Bear

This made up for the lack of grizzly bears - am I crazy for being disappointed that we didn't see one!? I'd done a bit of bear research before leaving Australia, partly out of curiosity and partly in the interests of being informed. Among the articles I read was this one, about a grizzly attack in Glacier NP in 2005. I re-read it yesterday, and realised that it happened on the very Grinnell Glacier Trail that we had hiked.

Next time?

Glacier National Park: Day 1

Glacier National Park, the crown of the continent, introduced to us by an episode of Stephen Fry in America. Where to begin? We spent a perfect three days here, and I can't do them justice in one post.

The overnight train from Seattle dropped us in Whitefish, Montana, where we picked up our hire car (after booking an SUV we declined our allocated minivan and ended up with a rather nice Subaru Outback) and hit the road. Having bought backpacks and hiking clothes in Seattle, we simply made an obligatory visit to Walmart to stock up on all the necessary bits and pieces and just as many unnecessary ones. We decided against buying a gun, mainly due to the current ammunition shortages (it's huntin' season y'all).

Whitefish Station

Park Entry

Lake McDonald

The Going to the Sun Road is the park's premier attraction - I think I mentioned last time that Americans don't like walking if they can avoid it. It traverses the park, winding for 85 kilometers along mountainsides and over the Continental Divide. Those who don't want to drive the road themselves can catch a 1930s 'red jammer' bus.

Red Jammer on the Going to the Sun Road

The road is only open for a few months each summer. Its pinnacle is Logan Pass, located along the Continental Divide at an elevation of 2026 meters. In winter, this area is often under more than 30 meters of snow.

The views are beyond literal description. Understand that the photos below don't even come close to doing the scenery justice.

View from East of Logan Pass

Hiker Dan

Another View the Logan Pass Area

We did our first 'hike' this afternoon - from the Logan Pass Visitor Centre up to the Hidden Lake overlook. I use the word 'hike' loosely - it was only a 4.5 kilometer round trip, with an elevation gain of 160 meters.

Hidden Lake

Just Chillin' at Hidden Lake

The scenery is much more rewarding when you've had to 'hike' for it. An exhilarating introduction to this beautiful place, the likes of which make me remember why I so dislike city travel. People miss out on so much by just going to LA and NYC.